The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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