i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
