wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
