There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
