I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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