The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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