I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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