i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
