i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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