my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
