Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
