im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
