Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
