I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's shark week go big or go home
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
