I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
