why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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