before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
