new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
