Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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