It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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