I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
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idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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