you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
