Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
