Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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