Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
