New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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