Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
