i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
