i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
