i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
