it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
love makes seman taste better
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
