I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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