My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
