Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
