I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
