my phone needs a breathalizer
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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