Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
