I could make wine with my vomit
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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