Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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