He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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