Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
