She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
