i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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