we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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