i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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