i think my mom watched the whole time
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
