oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
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