I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
