I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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