im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
