Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Someone came in the potted fern
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
