u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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