I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
