i would punch a child for taco bell
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
