i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
