hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
